to exist or not exist
by 2028
Summary: Drew and Rick and a conversation about Judge Kavanagh being appointed to the Supreme Court. Rick and Drew have a conversation about a headline in the Texas newspaper. These stories are based on real political events.
1. Chapter 1

Shutting down his computer, Drew collected his objects from the table and walked into their room. Sitting with his back to him, Rick was organizing something on the table next to his side of the bed.

Drew dropped the stuff in his hands in a disorganized pile and sat down on the bed, close enough to Rick to make him bounce a little with the movement. He settled his chin over Rick's shoulder and pressed his chest into Rick's back.

"So if Kavanagh overturns Obergefell v. Hodges, can I stop paying my half of the mortgage?"

"Absolutely not." Rick said, joking words with a somber tone. Leaving the light on, Rick made to stretch out, Drew shifting off of him to laid down next to him.

"What does happen?" Drew asked, after a second, his head flat on the mattress without a pillow and turned towards his husband.

The exhale of breath was audible and before he answered, Rick shifted over, wrapping an arm under Drew's neck. It was unclear whether he was comforting him or just holding on.

"If the federal ruling gets struck down, the state laws go back into effect. In Texas, that means all same sex marriages are void."

Setting aside the fact that the term 'same sex marriages' made Drew want to cringe, that type of legal jargon sounded startlingly similar to another conversation they had, one that ended with their wedding in New Mexico, Drew knew he wasn't particularly fond of the state laws regarding gay people in Texas.

"And a void marriage is?"

"One that was invalid from the beginning and therefore never existed." Rick's voice sounded exhausted, not just tired, but worn down, not quite defeated but being forced there. Because Drew had his head on Rick's chest, he felt him speak at the same time he heard it. Usually, Rick's voice had a steadiness to it, a confidence, something that Drew could pick out of a crowd and know it was him. Instead of being the underlying tone to the emotion of the moment, that steadiness was stripped bare, the emotion rejected from the conversation, leaving a stable but neutral platform behind.

"That's strange." Drew started, philosophizing. "Because unless my numbers are wrong, we've been married for two years."

"Your numbers aren't wrong." Rick responded, his fingers worrying the seam of Drew's shirt.

"How does a marriage vanish?"

"I don't know." Rick muttered under his breath. On the one hand, they stayed each other's power of attorney, they could change the paperwork so they were each other's next of kin regardless of marital status, they didn't need each other's health care, they could still both own a part of the same house. They could legally replicate most of the rights of a marriage but they couldn't call it that. They couldn't have a collective label to the world, couldn't have a word that meant they were serious people had who serious intentions when they said they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. All that work, all that love, no one cared. They didn't get an acknowledgement for the painstaking miles they to travel to get here and every day they had to resist someone pushing them back down the hill. It didn't matter how far they had come from where they started, how much they had learned, discovered, built, shared, created, they didn't get a marriage. So what did they do when the law refuses to call a relationship a marriage, despite having no other word to describe it?

"So we go back to being…. what?" Drew asked. For the longest time, he hadn't wanted a label, hadn't wanted to name what they had between them. As it turns, though, being married gave him a word that people didn't like but at least understood.

"Roommates? Partners?" Rick experimented. "Domestic partnerships, civil unions, and common law marriages between gay couples are also illegal so there's not a legal term for this."

For Drew, being roommates meant being in the closet. Despite sometimes being terrified of being out, he didn't want to be completely closeted again.

"Hold on" he realized after a second. "Our marriage license is from New Mexico."

"But we live in Texas. They don't have to honor it here." Rick pointed out. "You know should the federal ruling be struck down."

"What's the chance of that actually happening?" Drew wanted to know, his voice made younger by a combination of apprehension and hope.

"There's not a percentage; people are nervous precisely because there isn't a number, we don't know what will happen." His husband sounded distant, relaying information that he had memorized, latching on when Drew's hand came up to meet his, the intimacy of the move contrasted by the hollowness in his voice.

"The day the ruling came down I half expected you to ask me to marry you then." Drew admitting, ducking his head a little.

Rick let out a vaguely amused breath that rumbled through his chest. "It crossed my mind, but I knew I had one shot at this and I wasn't going to mess it up going off the cuff." It had also been about a month before Rick was deployed to Afghanistan and he wasn't interested in making Drew a war widower.

"When you asked me, you think I was going to say no?" Drew asked, curious.

"I was pretty confident right up until the words left my mouth and you paused for about ten seconds before answering." Rick admitted. In that moment, it seemed like every mistake he had ever made in their relationship flooded his mind and hearing Drew say yes put an end to possibly the most emotionally charged moment in his personal life.

To be honest, Drew didn't remember that moment. After saying yes, he remembered, but the length of his pause, he had no recollection.

"You weren't going to South Carolina, I figured I had used up all my good luck for the month." Drew commented lightly, not admitting that at times he forgot that he and Rick could get married now. He caught himself planning their life as they would be dating for all of it.

"When have you knew me to leave these important things up to luck?" Rick asked, the mood lifting momentarily.

"Our third anniversary, when we were driving around at midnight in the snow in Yosemite."

"You were the navigator." Rick protested.

Drew turned his head into Rick's chest, their hands still suspended above their bodies, and shivered. The air felt cold.

"Technically everytime one of us is deployed in the Middle East, we aren't married anymore because gay marriage is illegal in most of the countries there."

Rick considered. "So only the one of us still in the U.S. is married. This is like a bad party trick." He pictured a map flashing as they flew over countries, the map lighting up in different colors as their marriage status changed as often as the laws in countries across the world.

"Or the fastest cheapest divorce on the planet. We could start a law firm."

"For a very select group of customers. We'll be out of business within three months."

The joke fell flat. "That's not happening though." Drew insisted, uncomfortable now.

"Right." Rick agreed, knowing that even if Supreme Court dismantled the national protections, it take years and they probably won't be living in Texas anymore.

There wasn't another joke to make. Once again, their rights were on the blocking block. When would they take their place along the norms of society instead of hovering on the edge, new enough to be subject to change by a switch in party leadership?

Drew was keeping the ring though. And he had a feeling Rick would continue introducing him as his husband whatever the law said; the thought comforted enough that he decided to do the same thing. They had slowly kicked every board out of their closet. The federal government didn't get to unilaterally reconstruct it now.


	2. Chapter 2

Rick glanced down at his phone after he picked up his bag from the passenger seat. It was on low battery. Again. Apparently charging it overnight did damage the battery.

The front door clicked in his hand as he locked it from the inside. Whenever he got a free second, it seemed like there was another thing to fit.

He walked into their room to find Drew. His husband was on his side, turned away from him. It was the middle of the afternoon and the door knob would have to wait until later. He took off his shoes, plugged in his phone and entered his password so he could scroll through his news feed while he waited for Drew to wake up.

He was in the middle of an article he only partially understood about the raisin industry in the US when Drew leaned into him.

"You're home early." He murmured.

"The other proctors didn't show up so we had to reschedule the drill." Rick explained, kissing Drew before he settled his head on his shoulder.

"Lucky me." Drew murmured again.

"The raisin industry is a 500 million dollar industry in the US." Rick said, reaching the tail end of the article.

"I was unaware." Drew said, clearly not paying a lot of attention. They laid there for awhile, Rick skimming an article about the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey in Rockport, Texas.

Eventually, Rick hit an article with a disturbing headline.

"Did you know Pidgeon v. Turner was back in session?" He asked Drew, mild alarm in his voice.

There was a second of lag time but Rick felt Drew wake up more and pull himself upright in reaction.

"What's the verdict?" he asked.

Rick handed Drew the phone, the headline still blared across the little screen.

"_Same Sex Couples Don't Get the Same Marriage Benefits as Heterosexuals in Texas."_

"So not good." Drew summarized, scrolling past the ad to find the meat of the article.

"_Same-sex couples can get married in Texas, but they won't have the same rights that heterosexual couples do….What an incredible early Christmas present from the U. S. Supreme Court… "_

"They just had to bring Christmas into this, didn't they?" Rick asked, taking the phone back so the charging cord wasn't stretched too far. Drew was quiet as he reached under the edge of their bed and retrieved his laptop.

"I didn't like it when they call it same sex couples. Straight people are just couples, but gay people are same sex couples. Anything we say is undermined by the fact that everyone is thinking about us sleeping together." Rick complained.

Drew grimaced, agreeing. "It's better than homosexuality."

"Why can't they just say gay?"

"Gay is an insult; same sex couple is too much of a tongue twister for people to scream." Drew explained. There wasn't a great; every word to describe their relationship had been hijacked and made negative. Even their language was pitted against them.

Rick shook his head, annoyed, but they had bigger fish to fry.

"So which rights made it on the chopping block?" he asked.

Drew didn't answer right away, sorting through a couple different articles at the same time.

"I can't really tell; every news organization used a different word for it." Rick leaned back to see Drew's computer already covered with four tabs reporting the same basic news but with different terms. He unplugged his phone; this was going to be a hassle.

"Come on. I'm making coffee." Drew followed wordlessly, his computer still open.

The corner of Drew's laptop just barely missed the edge of the table as he set it down.

"Publicly funded benefits, spousal benefits, tax-funded benefits, marriage benefits, government- subsidized marriage benefits, marriage related benefits…the right to marry does not "entail any particular package of tax benefits, employee fringe benefits or testimonial privileges…" Drew listed all the terms from the different news article over the quiet noises of Rick pouring coffee grinds.

"They should get together and write a thesaurus." Rick suggested.

Drew smiled a little in acknowledgement and grabbed a couple of blank sheets of paper from the printer.

"Look them up individually." Drew said, listing the terms on a sheet of paper. "You take from marriage related benefits down."

Looking up complex legal terms in a search engine that was designed to encourage click bait hits quickly became annoying. Half the terms had confusing definitions and the other half yielded the same ten articles even when he entered different words in the search engine. This went on for another fifteen minutes, during which time Drew got both of them coffee and Rick stood briefly to grab his own computer.

"Okay." Drew started, signaling their regrouping. "The two minute version." Rick had started summarizing the definitions on his own sheet of paper. At this rate, they were going to need a spreadsheet.

"Marriage related benefits, as you might imagine, are the benefits you get after you're married including social security benefits, tax benefits, veterans' and disability benefits, health insurance, joint property ownership. Tax benefits are being able to file joint taxes." Rick read. "Not sure why that one is plural; it is only one right. Employee fringe benefits are adding each other to company's health insurance and taking leave if the other half of the couple gets sick. Testimonial privilege means we can't be compelled to testify against each other in court." Rick finished, having already known that one from work.

Drew read his half of the list; he had known they had these rights when they got married, he just didn't know the legal names.

When Drew stopped talking, they looked at each other for a second. "So, do we get to pick which one we don't want anymore?" Rick asked. "Someone pulls from a hat; what's the deal?"

Drew sat back. "Yea, this is pretty unclear."

"Personally, I think I could do without spousal benefits." Rick started. "Social security is going to collapse before we get a chance to use it anyway."

"Mmm" Drew started. "You should keep the spousal benefits and get rid of the married related benefits; my social security check will be higher than my veteran's benefits anyway."

Rick clicked the space on his keyboard and resisted the urge to slam it down a couple dozen more times.

"They should be required to send out a letter explaining themselves when they pull stuff like this." If Rick had to write a letter to each person, explaining why he kicked down their door instead picking the lock, he might spend more time learning to pick locks.

"I don't want to be on some list of gay people in Texas." Drew said, his face drawn, his tone a little joking but mostly serious. "No, thank you."

"Remember that marriage license we have; it wouldn't be that hard to figure out it."

Drew looked a little disturbed. "Yea, the marriage license the government just gutted, I remember that one."

Rick sighed; this felt a little like entrapment, like they had been tricked into getting married when it was legal everywhere and now that they were out and their personal information was in the public record, they were getting attacked again. He tried to shake it off; this case had been going on long before marriage equality existed.

"Pull the document the court published, not a news article." Rick suggested feeling silly for not thinking of it sooner.

Drew did, finding a twenty five page document.

"Who knew you needed a law degree to get married?" He murmured, not understanding much of what he was reading.

He hit the summary button.

"They used benefits and marriage benefits but they are only talking about residents of Houston." Drew reported after another minute. Rick found the same terms used in a different summary of the decision.

"It was decided by the Texas Supreme Court though. So it might apply to the whole state." Rick countered. At least with Don't Ask Don't Tell they understood what they didn't have.

"What's our next move?" Drew asked, exacerbated, figuring Rick would a more proactive approach. In his personal life, Drew hung back and problem solved when things went wrong and Rick tried to prevent things from going wrong. This was one area he wasn't interested in waiting around.

"Get a lawyer and figure out whether you're still my beneficiary." Drew rolled his eyes, annoyed at the situation, not Rick.

"Probably better not to wait until one of us gets shot to work on that." Drew muttered under his breath, yanking his computer towards him again.

"What is the point of this?" Drew asked, too keyed up to start the search for legal representation. It still annoyed him and set his teeth on edge. "I can just find a way to leave it all to you anyway. It's not like they'll save any money."

"It's a power play." Rick explained. He had swung more liberal after coming out and even more so after Trump was elected. There was an explanation for homophobia, not a satisfying one or one that excused it, but one existed. "It makes our lives more difficult and reminds us that the government doesn't find our relationship legitimate."

Drew pulled a face and clicked and unclicked a pen with his left hand.

"I mean, it's not really surprising. Think about everything we learn about gay people. My health teacher told my high school class that gay people are criminals and a dangerous to public health. The military told people for years that gay people aren't good soldiers. That stupid case about the cakes in Colorado told the country that it's okay to deny people services if you don't like their spouse." His voice was even, but he was angry. He knew how the annoyance of the general public translated into public policy.

Drew's shoulders were starting to curl in a little, which happened when he started to feel defeated. Rick hadn't meant to overwhelm him. "The government feeds the general public all these exagerrations or misinterpretations about gay people and when comes time to elect the politicicans who appoint these judges, it makes sense enough of them believe the lies."

When Drew woke up this afternoon he had been in an exponentially better mood than he was right now. And he had only been awake for an hour. "One step forward, two steps back. What else is new?"

Rick sat back, Drew's mood starting to rub off on him. If they sat there too much longer, Rick would be too unmotivated to do anything about it. "Let's figure out how bad it is before we become too invested in the pity party."

Drew visibly pulled himself straighter in his chair; having a plan of action helped a little. At the very least, doing something pushed back the feeling that they were just letting people walk all over them.

"What area of law are we in? Marriage law? Constitutional law?" Drew asked, his fingers on the keys. "The government is being an idiot law?"

"I'd call that civil rights law." Rick said, keeping his voice even. Sometimes people pushed back when he called it that and unconsciously he fell into the voice he used to defend himself.

"There should be a number for this." Drew mumbled. "When you get shot you can call medical professionals to your house. When someone breaks in, the police come. When random politicians you've never met sends you divorce papers, there should be a number for that."

Rick grinned a little, watching the fight come back into Drew. He couldn't help but agree. The urge had faded now, but his first thought upon seeing the headline was to call the cops. It was an instinct based on years of training against and arming himself against threats. Useless in this case but nevertheless that was his first reaction.

"Wait, there is." Rick reminded suddenly. A couple weeks ago, his SWAT unit had walked into a house filled with overt racist material and it made his skin crawl; in an attempt to counteract that, he spent the rest of the night reading about anti-racist activist group online and had ended up looking at pro LGBT groups too. "GLAAD and Lambda Legal."

Drew gave him a look that was half grateful, half impressed he knew those off the top of his head. They split the work and each read through one website, not finding anything specific but submitting an online request for more information.

"Sometimes I wish we had gay friends." Drew murmured, still staring at his computer screen. Rick had pulled his scanned copy of their marriage license, rereading the fine print.

"Yea." He mused; it was easier to feel like a community capable of fighting back with numbers. It was the same reason he and Drew both preferred group therapy because the structure reinforced the number of people who had the same trauma as them. "The other day, I was reading this article about a woman who published all the ways she and her wife dealt with stupid questions from the general public." Drew sat back, listening, the urgent of the situation having decreased a little now that they had a plan and some request out for help. "Someone asked her who was the top and who was the bottom and she said neither, they levitate." That got a huff of laughter from Drew, who to his credit, didn't look embarrassed talking about it. Early on, he turned neon red at the suggestive glance, let alone talking about someone else's sex life.

"I don't understand why people are so mystified by it; there are like a bunch of ways to…." Drew waved his hand in the air, now blushing a little. "I mean, it's not like straight people always do the same thing."

Rick just stared at Drew for a second, his face light and raised his eyebrows pointedly and once he had secured Drew's attention, he quirked them suggestively. The blush faded from Drew's face as he shook his head and laughed.

"My favorite one" Rick started, grinning "is who wears the pants in the relationship. I told them we both prefer jeans." The literal answer to these bizarre questions usually shut the conversation down without starting a fight. Being angry all the time exhausted him and it just wasn't any fun. And on a good day, he could imagine he was encouraging that person to think about why they asked that.

"Or" Drew said, standing smoothly, brushing the inside of Rick's knee with his. "Neither of us." Rick didn't have a chance to shove himself into a standing position before Drew kissed him so the back of the chair hit the back of Rick's head. There wasn't a lot of heat there, Drew held back from the intense foreplay that usually lead them somewhere else, but Rick stilled grinned when Drew pulled back. Drew held his hand, being silly and pulled Rick to his feet, wrapping his arms around him so Rick held Drew from behind, arms across his ribs.

"You okay?" Rick asked softly.

Drew nodded, humming an affirmative noise. "This stuff is starting to feel normal; that's what I'm more worried about."

Rick nodded, setting his head on Drew's shoulder. They felt solid, the two of them standing there, less uneasy than before they were out.

"Makes being together seem like a rebellion." Rick gave voice to the feeling he still had sometimes, that their existence and their relationship constituted an act of resistance.

Drew sighed, rubbing his hand down Rick's arm, before stepping forward to lean against the counter, facing Rick with a contemplative, slightly annoyed expression on his face.

"Our rebellion needs better uniforms." He managed with a serious expression. Rick laughed, glad that Drew could be humorous, instead of feeling demoralized and closed off.

When Drew cracked a grin, Rick couldn't insist pressing another kiss to his lips.

"I'm hungry. Make breakfast." Drew suggested, a hint of humor left on his face.

"Dinner." Rick answered, that joke well established between them.

"Breakfast." Drew insisted. "I want eggs."


	3. a medal to those who don't deserve it

This features a story about violence against gay people. It's about Drew's childhood and I imagine that being an unpleasant place.

* * *

"Hey" TC said, entering the locker room. He and Drew had had a surgery that ended later than everyone else so they were alone. Drew had seemed a little off all night, but they had been busy so TC hadn't had a chance to ask.

"You alright?" TC sat down next to Drew, who was hunched over on the bench, holding his phone loosely in his hands.

Drew didn't react immediately and concern started to build.

"You got a minute?" Drew asked eventually, seriously enough that TC didn't tease him about the minute it took him to answer.

"Sure." TC tossed the rest of his stuff into his open locker and waited.

"I went to high school with a kid named Jamie Anderson." Drew started, still staring down at his phone with little emotion on his face. "He was a junior when I was a freshman, new kid in school."

Drew went quiet again, not emotionally but more staring off into space, lost in thought. TC knew a thing or a hundred about memories making themselves present and intrusive.

"Thanksgiving weekend a couple of the kids grabbed him, tied him to a stop sign and beat the crap out of him. He spent a month in the hospital" Drew paused, sighing and looking a little rattled for the first time. "No one did anything about it. Everyone was either scared of them or agreed with them."

TC put his hand on Drew's shoulder, remembering what felt like a lifetime ago when Drew had sat with him in the night he had a number of flashbacks about Thad's death.

"Jamie and I had English with them." Drew's hands were steady and his voice was even but it was forced. "I hated English." Drew smiled bitterly, leaning down on the bench, before clicking his phone and setting it beside him. "Only class in high school I ever ditched."

"The only one?" TC asked, just to say anything, a quiet sense of horror filling him.

"Not everyone is a troublemaker like you TC" Drew accused lightly and TC let him.

"Everyone in town knew what happened, the cops, the lawyers, our principal, our teachers, their track coach, but no one did anything about it." Drew's voice finally hit a hitch at track coach, sounding a little desperate after that.

"You were friends?" TC asked quietly. Drew shook his head. "No, Jamie didn't have any friends after someone…" Drew grinned without humor, the way he did sometimes when he talked about his dad. "started a rumor about his 'lewd behavior'. You want to guess what lewd behavior meant in Alabama in the 1990s?"

"He was gay." TC confirmed.

"I hated that class." Drew repeated with passion after nodding. "Jamie denied it the whole time, that he was gay, but no one believed him. I spent so much time thinking about it, what it was about him that make them think he was gay and how I could avoid being that." Drew admitted, a tactical look on his face, running the scenario in his head over and over again. "I never figured it out. That made me perpetually on edge because I didn't want to them to figure out the same thing out about me." That sounded like a defeat.

They sat there for a few more minutes, TC wondering how Drew managed to grow up there and turn out as well adjusted and open as he had. The turnaround from completely in the closet to out and married was fast and sure. As TC had gotten to know Rick, he understood where Drew got some of his confidence.

"What brought this up again?" TC questioned gently.

Drew waved one hand briefly. "Both of them graduated high school and joined the navy."

Drew commented on the TC's disgusted face. "It was a military town six months after 9/11 and the assault never made their record. What do you expect?"

TC sighed, shaking his head.

"Doug Warren, one of the guys who did it, the navy just him a legion of merit for… outstanding service and loyalty." Drew pronounced each word individually, shoving his phone into TC's hand to prove his point. In the picture was stoic white man with short dark hair and dull blue eyes. He had a non threatening, but composed look on his face. TC clicked the phone off again and put it face down.

"Not loyal to anything I respect." TC critiqued. Drew didn't answer.

"You okay?" He wondered softly, not expecting Drew to say yes.

His friend shrugged and rubbed his left hand hard down the outside of his right arm.

"I joined the military because it felt like family." Drew explained. "But I could never forget that there were people like him in it. I never ..." Drew paused, considering his words. When he started talking again, his voice was thick. "It is incredibly isolating, being a gay kid in the South." There was a rhythm to his voice, like the thought was well oiled in his head. "I didn't have any role models. There were not gay adults in my town. There were gay teenagers but they were harassed and bullied back into the closet or they were shipped off to conversation therapy and came back shells of themselves. A few of them killed themselves. But whatever happened, there no gay adults and there were no couples." Drew's voice was dark.

"There were times I thought living my whole life there and I felt like I was suffocating. I literally couldn't imagine a future. I couldn't imagine being an adult; it seemed impossible." Drew's features twisted in hurt, like remembering cut off his airway.

"When Jamie got hurt, my dad said he deserved it." Drew tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. TC didn't have words to comfort him so he sat there in solidarity. He didn't have Drew's experience, he didn't know that fear or that pain and he refused to offer some false comfort. "And less than two years later, I was idiotic enough to tell him that I'm gay." A look of embarrassment crossed Drew's face, like he was ashamed he had ever trusted his dad, like he thought he was naive.

"You're not an idiot Drew." TC said, not having a comment for the rest of it.

Drew all but ignored him. "And then I joined the army. Partly because my family is military. Partly so I could pay for medical school. But partly because I had heard negative things about gay people for so far long, I didn't know how to think of myself as anything but." On first glance, the emotion in Drew's voice sounded like anger and part of it was, but it was pain too.

"For a long time, I felt like an abuse victim who went back to their abuser." Drew admitted. "But I knew what to expect. And some damaged part of me liked that. I didn't have to make decisions, I knew the rules. Don't tell anyone and don't let anyone get close. So I took enough units and worked enough hours that I was always exhausted and didn't have the energy to react to any of it."

Drew tipped his head down and wiped his face roughly when his blink dropped a couple tears on his cheeks.

"I love the army, I love my job." Drew said with feeling and TC knew he meant it. "But even as much as I loved it and as much as I am grateful for the things I learned, I was so… lonely ... and no one really understood, even if I had been able to tell them."

Drew took a deep breath, staying silent so long that TC wondered if he was done talking. His elbows rested on his thighs and he leaned over to set his chin in his palm. TC couldn't see his face so he couldn't tell if he was putting on his mask on or gathering his next sentence.

"You know Rick and I have been friends since bootcamp?" Drew asked, his voice a little less strained. TC nodded when Drew turned his head to check for an answer.

Drew smiled in the way someone does when they are remembering a good memory. "He called me after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed and we went hiking. At the top of this hill…" Drew remembered. "... I think he took us up there because he knew that there was no one around… and he asked if he could kiss me." Drew smiled for real, hints of happiness on his face. "And I completely surprised myself by saying yes." Drew quirked his lips before sitting back and wiping a hand across his mouth. "And from that point, I was completely in love with him even if it took me two years to admit it."

TC just watched Drew's face, trying to imagine the situation of a young, closeted Drew picking Rick to trust, the type of confidence it took to take that chance. TC knew Rick as a friend, he trusted the man in the field and respected his military standing but the deeply emotional work of their relationship, Drew and Rick didn't broadcast.

"Rick was ready to be out before I was." Drew said. "His sisters knew he was gay since he was a teenager and that made him comfort in his skin when I felt mine was slowly eating me alive. I thought he was so brave but I didn't want him to be the first openly gay ranger. I didn't want anything to happen to him." And that was another part of this TC would never understand; TC had never been hurt by his unit. For Rick and Drew, their units were their protection and their keeper; the people meant to watch their back and in some cases the people forcing them into the closet in order to ensure that protection.

"So he stayed in the closet with me." Drew said. A little abruptly, he sighed forcefully. "I don't know where he found the patience to put up with me; I annoy myself, but he didn't seem annoyed."

"Drew, you're not annoying." TC started. "You're not someone Rick has to put up with."

"I know that now." His voice was steady again and TC believed that Drew believed it. "But I didn't then. And you know what he said to me when I told him this?" Drew asked, the steadiness lost. TC shook his head, but Drew wasn't looking at him.

"It's easier to be brave and take risks when you know you have someone in your corner; when it comes to this, I'll be in your corner." Drew shook his head and TC silently promised himself that none of this got repeated. "Where does he come up with this stuff?" his friend asked rhetorically.

"Much better than the romantic dripple I tell Jordan" TC commented, warmed inside at how sweet Rick could be.

Drew shoved him with a knowingly look on his face.

"My whole life, up until that point, being gay meant pain and violence and betrayal and shame." Drew reflected, somber again, the tough exterior coming back periodically to shield him when the conversation started to reveal too much emotion. "With Rick and to a lesser extent his sisters, being gay started to mean forgiveness and acceptable and patience and respect. He makes me feel safe in a way I haven't since I was a little kid." Drew stared unseeing at the floor and TC had to guess, he would say Drew was picturing Rick. "When I married him, that was the first time I was convinced I could actually get old, that it was possible."

Drew wasn't crying but TC was right on the edge, beyond grateful to Rick for taking the time to reach Drew.

"When I started telling other people that I'm gay I never said I'm gay." Drew emphasized the two words, as if putting them in air quotes. "I always say my husband Rick and I." TC didn't see the difference but figured Drew would explain. "Gay is used as an insult. But Americans love marriage. Being someone's husband isn't an insult." Thinking back on Drew's actions, TC did remember him doing that.

"Rick is out. To everyone. Unapologetically." Drew picked up after a second, sitting up suddenly as if to push the memories away. "And one day he is going to run into someone who can't accept that."

"That is why..." Drew started again, grabbing his phone. "This scares me. They're military." Drew said forcefully not needing any other words to make his point. "They're military." Drew set his phone down with a slam. "And the military gave these people a medal for loyalty."

TC's stomach rolled, again not being able to imagine how much that might panic Drew, the ever careful, healthily paranoid person.

"It scares me that people can look at my brilliant, kind husband and only see someone they hate. That they don't understand how valuable he is, how important he is to me, that they can take his personality and opinions and skills and reduce those down to one trait and want to hurt him for it." Drew's face contoured painfully, as he made a smashing movement to emphasize his point. His eyes had a vaguely hunted look and TC wondered why he had never noticed it before. Drew dropped his head into his hands, probably having shared more than he meant to out of emotion. The silence was very loud in the room, until Drew ran his fingers through his short hair, rubbing his head, trying to regain his composure.

"And no matter how much we overcome, there's always more and sometimes it all comes crashing back into startling focus. Like right now…" Drew said, visibly forcing down emotion and making his voice lighter, sitting up and giving TC a vaguely comforting look, like Drew was reassuring him. The switch was fast, practiced, the result of years of hiding to protect himself.

Drew stood up, leaving TC there stunned, unable to think of a single appropriate thing to say. TC was still sitting on the bench when Drew slammed his locker, having packed his bag and slid his wedding ring back on his finger.

"Drew" TC called, standing quickly to hug Drew, who let him.

"I'm okay." Drew said, actually sounding like that, but TC now knew just how much that facade cost him.

"It's okay if you're not. And I'll listen as long as you need." TC promised.

"Some people never change, TC." Drew said, somehow both resigned with the world and hopeful. "But Rick worked last night instead of today, so I am going home." He clapped TC on the shoulder.

"Okay." TC said, a little lost.

"Don't hurt your head thinking about all of this, will you?" Drew asked, after considering him for a second. TC nodded, wondering how Drew was the one walking out of this conversation feeling normal and he was wrecked.

* * *

When Drew got home, he brushed his teeth before he went to check on Rick because he knew if he saw his husband, he'd crawl into his arms and fall asleep.

After he shut the bathroom door, Drew ditched his shoes, uniform and bag on the floor, shoving them under the edge of the bed so Rick didn't trip if he got up in the dark.

When he pulled the blankets back, Rick rolled over, making Drew think he hadn't been completely asleep yet.

"Long time no see dearheart" Rick muttered under his breath, the nickname slipping out without any awkwardness. It took awhile for Drew to get used to terms of endearment and that one was his favorite.

Drew smiled because Rick's eyes were still closed. Carefully, Drew pressed a kiss to one of his closed eyelids and Rick grinned back, opening his eyes and adjusting his head so he could see Drew clearly. Taking advantage of Rick moving, Drew slid one arm around Rick and pulled himself close into Rick's chest, resting his head under his collar bone. Rick matched his movements easily, propping his head up with one hand and putting his other arm over Drew.

Drew hummed his contention with the arrangement and Rick just watched him for a second, before kissing Drew's hairline.

"What's wrong?" Rick asked softly, his head above Drew's, surrounding him.

"The navy gave a medal to someone to really didn't deserve it." Drew murmured into Rick's t-shirt. He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead closer so he could feel Rick's body heat more easily. He had been home five minutes, listened to Rick talk for two sentences and already he felt better. Not perfect, but better.

He could sense Rick's confusion. "Who do we know in the navy?"

"Remind me to look up Jamie Anderson and I'll tell you the whole story." Drew promised, not up for rehashing the story. TC had caught him at a vulnerable time and once he started talking, he had had a hard time stopping.

"Who's Jamie?" Rick asked curiously, playing with the back of Drew's t shirt. Shifting a bit, Drew pulled his t shirt so Rick was touching his skin.

"Someone I went to highschool with." Drew tightened his arms around Rick thinking about it, thinking about Jamie and the fear he had spilled all over TC. Rick could take care of himself, he was strong and fast, but sometimes the strength of the victim didn't matter. He still flinched and braced himself when people reacted negatively. Rick could sarcasmly talk them in circles, letting their expression roll off, but Drew usually felt like there was a lump in his throat. He didn't want to lose something he hadn't had the chance to properly enjoy yet.

"And next time TC is drunk, ask him about it." Drew teased Rick, knowing that he had to answer now.

"Ask him about what?" Rick pried lightly. "I have no idea what you are talking about." Drew was going to have no idea what they were talking about if Rick didn't stop drawing enticingly circles on his back.

"I was telling him a story and ended up saying a bunch of nice things about you." Drew pushed himself up a little, kissed the joint where Rick's jaw connected to his face and settled down to stare at him.

"Here's an idea." Rick replied, tapping his fingers one at a time on his forehead like he was thinking. "Tell me nice things about me." Drew, instead, pulled Rick toward him and kissed him; Rick fell on him when he tilted too far and his head slipped off his hand. Drew rolled so they were chest to chest with Rick partly on top of him. Drew took Rick's face in his hands, considered for a second and slid his hands back to rub down his back.

"I said that you're brilliant and forgiving and kind and the rest of the world should recognize that." Rick looked a little touched, gently kissing Drew again. Drew leaned into it, deepening the kiss.

"Are you trying to start something?" Rick asked. "Because you either need to hurry up or cut it out. I'm exhausted."

Drew laughed, rolled Rick off him, so they were lying next to each other, Drew not touching him other than resting his head on his chest. "It was just a long night and I'm glad you're off today."

"We'll talk about this later?" Rick confirmed, settling his head back on his pillow and draping his arm over Drew again.

Drew nodded. "I love you."

Rick sighed a fake sigh of exasperation and set his arm more securely over Drew. "I love you too. Even more when you are sleeping."


End file.
